One of My Most Shameful Moments…

A couple of weeks ago, a person I had known fairly well came unglued and it reminded me of my own (far) less than Perfect moment. A true story, this happened a few years back.

Often, we are quick to condemn each other when we find ourselves at the end of our rope. But I couldn’t, because I have been there. We all have…

I am about to share one of my most shameful moments. Something very few people know. Here goes…

I was beyond crazed one evening, because I was expected in court the next morning over a mess that cropped up. My life was quickly becoming a soap opera. One that I had NOT signed on for—yet I had somehow landed a starring role. Divorce seemed imminent. I had never needed (or hired) an attorney and certainly never seen the inside of a courtroom. I was a complete wreck—and badly needed to calm down.

I often find my inner reserve of calm and peace by walking in the woods or driving 30 minutes to a nearby Shrine to light a candle.

On this particular evening, I was short on time—and did the next best thing.

Me (via cell phone): I’ll be at your house in a minute. I need to stop over at the church to say a few prayers because I am a mess over this court date in the morning and I need to calm myself down…

Stella The Wingman: Okay.

Me: I am in your driveway.

Stella The Wingman (Ever the good sport): Okay.

She was out the front door in a heartbeat. And we were off to the church five minutes away—though I think I got us there in about 2 minutes. I hung a sharp right into the parking lot and came in for a landing between two parking spots. Crooked.

Then jumped out of the car, and marched straight to the side door, with Stella trailing behind me by a decent margin. I grabbed hold of the door and pulled…and kept pulling and rattling the door, but it didn’t open.

Stella The Wingman: It’s locked?

Me (Shouting): Who in the FU&% locked the church door?

Stella The Wingman Hello Father…

I turned slowly around thinking that Stella surely was toying with me for dropping an f-bomb nearly inside God’s House. Unfortunately, Father stood before us dressed in black, with the white-collar gleaming against his dark skin. I hadn’t yet met him, as he was newer to the parish.

This was a Catholic Church. My mother went to Catholic School from Kindergarten through college. And if she hadn’t already passed away, my dropping an f-bomb in those circumstances might have done her in. I was Mor-ti-fied—Capital M! Would have turned invisible on the spot, if that was an option.

Father: Here. I have a key…I’ll unlock the church for you.

Me (Rambling): Oh no. That’s okay. We can come back another time. Really. You don’t need to go to any trouble…

Father (HAD to be thinking to himself): If ever there was a person needing to get inside a church in a hurry, I am looking at her.

Father (Headed straight for the door): No. I’ll unlock it. And I can lock it back up when you leave.

So, in we went.

And in Father went.

He sat in the back, while we prayed. Who could blame him? I made the turn into the church on two wheels and could not have appeared in my right mind. I’m sure he thought it a good idea to put an eye on us there in the pretty church.

It was hard to pray for peace and calm, with Father back there. And Stella trying desperately to hold her snickers in, while sitting beside me. And while feeling embarrassed for acting like a complete idiot. I was just completely distracted.

I had humiliated myself so badly, that I was no longer focused on the reason I needed to find my inner peace. Could that be considered an upside?

Stella and I laughed until we couldn’t breathe over my meltdown—when we were far away from the church.

That day was a new low. Thank goodness I didn’t realize that I would be sinking lower in coming months. Ignorance is (sometimes) bliss.

After that, I always wondered if Father remembered me, as I shook his hand on my way out of Sunday mass. He never said a word. And neither did I.

So you see, I have no business judging others…

What is your most shameful moment? Please, by all means do share in the comments section below…

Note to my Facebook Friends: If you want to join in this one, you might want to post in the “Comments” section at the bottom of the blog…It is possible we might have some fun with this.

Advertisements

About Amy Lauria

Artist. Writer. Single Parent of two college students. Beach Walker. Dog owner who walks outdoors to maintain sanity. Into shiny objects, vacations, glitter, cupcakes, sports, and my beloved sticks, stones and beach glass.
This entry was posted in Divorce, My FAVORITE Posts and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to One of My Most Shameful Moments…

  1. Kate Altadonna says:

    Your word, said to yourself out of pure frustration, cannot compare to cruel words said to intentionally hurt. You wanted to get into church to say a prayer. Your Mother would have been laughing with you and I am sure she was praying for you that day. I do believe we have a right to judge behavior that is cruel and unacceptable. That is how we know, God forbid, never to treat anyone else that way. EVER! Love You. Kate Altadonna.

    • Amy Lauria says:

      Oh dear…I did not mean to ruffle your feathers Miss Kickety Kate! My point was that we all make mistakes now and again. That we never know what is REALLY going on in the lives of others–or what trauma lies under the surface. “Father” certainly never knew why the ‘crazy woman’ was banging on the church doors and dropping f-bombs!! That I was so shook up, I couldn’t stop shaking.

      That said, you may have a point about intent. I have always had strong feelings about intent–that when the intent is good, yet a mistake and/or mess is made, I can easily overlook it. But when a person needs to intentionally wound, without apology or remorse–that is altogether different. I see that as cowardly and weak. More so when there is no effort made to run cleanup.

  2. Stella says:

    If I recall correctly, you said, “Who in the hell locked the &^%$# church doors! Really?!” And Father said he would open the doors since you obviously needed to pray. LMFAO to this day!!

    • Amy Lauria says:

      I knew you would remember my exact words!! I stand corrected. It was a bit of a blur…I just remeber babbling and Father insisting on opening the doors and getting me inside–while I was trying to talk my way out to the car. This was NOT a shining moment for me. I was completely beside myself. The funny thing? I got really GOOD at court. After a while, I took a book, a diet coke and a snack and had some ‘Amy time’ in the halls of the Painesville Court House. To this day, I remember the look on your face…and howl with laughter at the thought.

  3. Pingback: Thank you Kym McVicker-Brewster for making me think this morning… | Playing with Perfect

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s